dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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