Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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