I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
4 words: hood of his car
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
