Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
