one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
