Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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