Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
