Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
