I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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