Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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