I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Even my vagina gasped.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
