I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
