All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
