i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
