so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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