Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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