So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
