Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
A bitchslap is in order.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
