I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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