halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
