you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
