lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
