i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
