She went from zero to smokin in five shots
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
