I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
