i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
