I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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