So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
