I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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