i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Don't EVER smell your tampon
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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