i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
