??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
