mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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