Cold hands, warm shart.
i think my tv is drunk
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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