I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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