I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
