I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
God I need to hump something, right now.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
