I was born with a shot glass in my hand
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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