I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
