I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
