I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
