In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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