the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
