I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Life without a bra equals bliss.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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