I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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