don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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