at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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