Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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