I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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