I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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