Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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