i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
