you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
