I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
