Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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