This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
