Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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