Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
