hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
